Hope for Those Who Are Looking for “The One”…
I live in a state which is unlike the majority of the other states. In most of the U.S., people live by the creed, “Live by what is”. But in California, people often live by the creed, “Live by what’s possible”. California is known as the state with the “bleeding heart liberals” and land of “New Age spirituality”. The east coast, where my boyfriend was born, is known as “what is…IS…get over it.”
Thus, describes the schism between my boyfriend and I.
I should’ve known that when he told a noisy, inconsiderate, new age guy in the hot spring pools, “Hey Dickhead…shut the f**k up”…. that would’ve shook my white light being to the core. I couldn’t tell what caused everyone else to stop breathing in that moment: The shock to our chakras or the shock of the “Dickhead”.
I have loved many men in my life. My mother used to say to me, “Poor Sabrina…You’re just unlucky in love” just because I didn’t hit a HOLE IN ONE with ONE man for my ONE life. I would say to her, “Mom…it’s just the opposite. I’m SO lucky in love…to be able to give and receive love with so many…what a gift that is!” She winced. Chinese traditions die hard.
Here I am today. I judged myself for attracting such a Cro-Magnon man in my life. I teach about relationships, yet here I am…confounded in this being that now shares my bed.
What I realized is this. Call it new age rationale or just plain menopausal wisdom: I attracted him because something in me was calling me to awaken to a wiser, deeper definition of love. As we fought, loved, lived our lives together, my capacity to love grew so much more. It wasn’t about finding the love I want, but loving the man that I found. How many times have we tried and tried to find “the right one”, and each time has been met with disappointment? I finally stopped the madness, and started opening to Love right now…period. And you know what? What I always wanted…was right here in front of me…if only I opened to it…and recognized each “offense” to my spiritual righteousness as a nugget to opening.
Of course, it’s silly to be with a man just for this purpose. There’s something that has to inspire me to stay. I’m not a martyr for truth and awakenings. How many times have I cursed at God saying, “Enough with the lessons, already! Gimme a break!” The fact is this: My partner opens me up more to joy, laughter (my spiritual ego was one serious pin cushion of a person), love, nature, people, experiences, that I have ever had in my life. I feel lighter, more expansive, and much more loving now than any time in my life. I can meet life’s challenges with more confidence and trust because of the life I live with him, and I’m more open to others than ever before. Isn’t that what spirituality is about anyway?
My partner pushes my edges, gets me out of my “enlightened” bubble, and makes me live life…FOR REAL. My relationship no longer espouses trite sayings and concepts for mutual spiritual masturbation, but lays the grit for which grace occurs. Not to imply that self-prescribed “spiritual” men don’t walk the path of grace…of course they do. But do they talk about it…or do they actually DO it? I’ve led many workshops, groups, and coached many clients. On both sides of the net: there’s a lot of talking…not a lot of doing. The test: Are they walking their talk? With my partner…there is no talk. There’s just stepping into the mud together, and coming out of it messy, but still committed to each other. He loves me in all my craziness. There’s something to be said for that.
This isn’t settling…on the contrary…. Settling, to me, means going with what’s most comfortable even though it’s not what I really want. I “settled” with some of the “spiritual” men who were my partners. It was much more comfortable being with a man who was in the same spiritual choir as I. Doing so chooses a relationship based on my familiar comfort levels and preferred reality, rather than growing into the unpredictable tornado of love, in ALL its convoluted forms. “Spiritual” men and I thought alike. We settled into a world of processes, new age volleyball, and non-violent communications. Not so with my boyfriend. We are like oil and water. Our differences create a passionate tussle worthy of Super Bowl proportions.
They say it’s easy to become “enlightened” sitting on a meditation cushion. Try being in relationship, where the rubber meets the road and the test of where we’re most devoted shows up. Are we devoted to just getting what we want? Or are we devoted to opening to what is?
Opening up to what is….is a courageous act that is not just for the spiritual. It’s for those with a tenacious heart. My partner has such a heart.
With him, I didn’t fall in love in the typical romantic sense…I found love…for real…what it means to open one’s heart despite our conditioned ways of thinking, loving, and relating.
Or sure, I still get irritated at our differences and tense up like fingernails on a chalkboard. But it’s like God saying to me now “Can you still love here? How about here….and here….and here….and here…..?”
So ladies…have hope. Love doesn’t necessarily come in the shape and form of man you think you want. Open your heart’s capacity to love …. you’ll be surprised in what your beloved might look like. Stop waiting.
Can you love here…..and here….and here….and here?
Time will tell what happens between my beloved and I. In the meantime, I’m loving here.
My mentor, David Deida, describes three stages of love for women (there’s more than that, but for simplicity sake, we’ll talk about three):
- 1st Stage: Woman finds love so she feels like a woman.
- 2nd Stage: Woman finds love and becomes her own woman.
- 3rd Stage: Woman finds that she IS LOVE, in the form of woman.
I aspire to live in the third stage. Aspire. The truth is….I’m often in the bardos of all of the stages. Sound confusing? Yes…it is. But it doesn’t have to be. I hope you take the time to browse my website for more info.
Either that, or wait until menopause. She’s a much more unrelenting teacher.